Love or Something Like It (musings)

And now for something completely different...

LOVE. What a word. It means so many things and at the same time, is an enigma. No one seems to be able to define it, really. It's almost 4am and I'm here writing because I'm going to, as Papa Roach puts it 'tear my heart open'. I need closure on some things and to lift a weight that is bogging me down. Hopefully, this will work and as a bonus, if it helps anyone else understand life a little bit, all the better.

As we all know, there are many different kinds of love: for friends, parents, children, animals, beauty, country, music, art, God etc. The ever-elusive 'unconditional love' seems to be the hardest to pull off, and for many people, the hardest to receive. The word seems to be thrown around so often and so easily that it's kind of lost its power.

I'm listening to the radio and every other song has the word in it, movies bombard us with it and unfortunately, we are raised from the start to believe that there are certain specific qualities one has to have in order to receive love. Just read any fairy tale with their 'he saw her and fell in love with her instantly'. Baloney. We're fed this from childhood and it's misleading at best, damaging at worst.

I've been told many times in different relationships 'I love you', and when I really think about it, most of them really didn't 'love' me as much as I filled a void, they needed a mama, they were lonely and anyone suitable would do, they were fascinated by me or any number of other reasons, none of which are horrible, but weren't love. I say this because they really didn't 'know' me. I would say a few did, but one or both of us were either too young and/or inexperienced to really know the difference.

The longest relationship I've had was 7 years, and I honestly don't know what would have happened if he didn't die young, but it wasn't one of those situations where it was a starry-eyed, passion-fest, but good because we were alike enough to get along well, but different enough that we could give each other room to breathe and grow. We were a good 'fit'.

Another one years ago, and again more recently, turned out to be one of the most puzzling, frustrating and damaging (to me) times I've ever had and even then, love was spoken. I think now it was too much too soon as they say, and something that just had to happen either way. Neither of them could understand why I wouldn't take their bad treatment, as if this is what thought my job was.

While no one can define what love is, I do know what it isn't. If someone harms you physically, emotionally or otherwise, it's not love. If it was, they'd not be able to even think of doing anything like that. It's not changing the person, either. I'm not talking about telling them that they're hurting themselves when they are, but if you love someone, you love 'them' and not 'them with alterations'.

This has always been my main problem; guys are attracted to my being smart/independent/honest/whatever and sooner or later, those very things are what cause the problems. I don't get this really. I'm an open book; I hide nothing and often, unlike my sisters, will put my 'worst foot forward' so that everything's out in the open and the person can decide if they want to deal with it. No surprises.

Everyone, no matter who they are, no matter what their upbringing, station or background, when it comes down to it, wants someone to 'get' them, to understand and know who they are and how they got there. This takes work, and it's much easier to just look at someone, hear something, anything, and think they love them for that, but that's a disaster in the making. I want someone to love me because I'm kind, honest, compassionate, whatever I may be and not because they want to feel 'big' or because they need to treat me like crap because of their own unresolved issues. Fixing that stuff is something one can only do for themselves. I know, I deal with my own issues every day, and it's work.

Ideally, both people will acknowledge their own issues and shortcomings and you help each other be the best people you can be for yourself, and then for each other. That's love--helping someone with something because it needs doing, not because you're going to get some prize out of it in the end.

There are no 'standards' for love. You can't go by old worn out fantasy-driven things like butterflies, not eating, walking on air and all that romance novel business. You really have to know yourself and what you want and need before even thinking you're ready to be in love. If not, it's probably a crush or temporary infatuation that will fill a void that can only be filled by introspection and growing up.

When I hear that someone is 'completed' or made 'whole' by someone else, it bothers me because we can't take on the responsibility of love if we can't stand on our own as a person first, and need someone else to make us whole.
Sure, we are inspired by someone we love, energized, motivated, comforted, elated even, but that can't be dependent on them; it needs to happen because they brought these things out of us. There's a big difference.

When I first started seeing Jerry (the man who died), he asked me what I was looking for. I said that I didn't want to be his 'boss' or him, my 'boss' but rather, a partnership. I also said that I was not going to stop working and (because he had 2 children and had recently split with their mother) that I wanted him to be with me because of me being who I am, and not because he wanted to fill a space in the family unit that was now empty. On other words, I needed him to be able to still be him, even if I wasn't in the picture. He agreed, so it was good.

Another situation involved someone who for many different reasons, none of them having to do with me, spent most of his time telling me all that was 'wrong' with me and at the same time, telling me he loved me. This is very confusing because as I said before, this stuff doesn't come with conditions, it just is. Honestly, none of us can help how they look, talk, walk, think or anything else and the deal is, take it or leave it. Hell, I'm not thrilled with the way I look and I don't need to be reminded of it, especially by someone who claims to care about me. Looks are way overrated to begin with, and is the easiest thing to change and the least important part of a person. I couldn't even tell you if those who I loved (or thought I loved) were good looking or not in the traditional sense, because when you love someone, they are beautiful automatically.

There is no such thing as "You should change because you love him/her" or the other way around. I don't care how many women's magazines or websites say otherwise, it's all crap. You always regret it and you always feel like you were 'bought' to some degree because you are selling part of yourself off when you wouldn't have done so otherwise.

So no one thinks I'm a total bitch on wheels, let me clarify: I'm not talking about doing something for the other person because you in your heart, want to, but rather those times when (like the fellows I describe above and below) that you change something only because you think (or are told) that if you don't do it, the person will leave you. That's in no way shape or form love, and never, ever works out.

I had a boyfriend years ago who wanted to marry me, and to convince me was going to buy a beautiful old Victorian house I loved and give it to me, just to get me to agree to it. The trade-off was that I needed to wear my hair a certain way, dress and act a certain way, and (a little-known artsfarm factoid) wear a bra, something I hadn't done since I was 14. I balked at all this, and every one of my girlfriends thought I was out of my mind. They yelled at me, told me I was crazy, he's gorgeous, wealthy, etc and said they would take him up on it if I didn't. I told them to go for it.

For just a minute, I tried to imagine myself going along with this, not because of the money (which I hated) but because I did like him a lot, but when I really thought about it, I couldn't see myself sitting across from the table every morning and evening for the rest of my life from someone I knew wouldn't be with me if I was just being me. So I ended it. He didn't understand and got very upset, but that's ok. Within a year, he wound up marrying someone who looked like me, but who was pliable so I'm sure he's happy.

I guess I ranted on about this long enough. Even if no one reads it, it's ok because I just needed to get this out in some form, even if just into the ether.